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Inventions We Wish We Already Have in our Kitchens

July 10, 2017
cover image "inventions we wish we already have in our kitchens"

This post is one of a series of “Inventions We Wish We Already Have.” It’s intended to be a bona fide wish list but expressed in a lighthearted fashion. Inspiration for the wish list courtesy of ordinary day-to-day experiences, unfulfilled expectations, varying flavors of frustrations, and what-should-have-been-there-but-not-there revelations.

1. Molecular gastronomy-style blenders that can transform vile-tasting healthy-lifestyle beverages—often seemingly made from fermented vulture vomit but actually consists of probiotics and what looks like swamp algae ancestor—into something that taste like 97.5%-fat ice cream or burgers processed using the best and latest fat-infusion technology

2. Home kitchen-based vending machines to allow tired and harried moms to earn extra money by requiring their kids to pay for a bag of potato chips or Krispy Crème donuts, or their husbands to pay for the beer. Vending machine preferably comprises an underage drinking prevention system with a smart camera system that monitors who buys what and also loudly alerts mom if older kids try to buy beer from vending machine. (People always buy stuff from school or office vending machines anyway, so why not have it in your own kitchen and save money and time?)

3. Talking plates, forks, and spoons that egg on children to eat and finish off their veggies.

4. Plates, bowls, food containers etc. with bacteria and mold detector to, for example, make sure the younger son didn’t “accidentally” sneeze unhealthy amounts of nasal fluids into the mean older son’s spaghetti

5. Programmable and automated one-pot complete dish preparation system (automatically slices, dices, mixes, cooks, etc.)

6. Garbage cans that know when to yell at you and say “I already stink! Throw me out now!”

7. Pots and pans that tell you whether the oil is already hot enough to add the garlic and onion, and whether you should already turn from boil to simmer and for how long and when already done.

8. Party themes idea generator for hard-core party animals and automated party knick-knacks ordering and follow-up system

9. Voice activated faucets so you can bathe your beloved but water-averse chihuahua in the kitchen sink while keeping it still with both hands

10. Alert systems that warn you if your toddler tries to play hide-and-seek inside one of your uber-expensive Sub-Zero Wolf Freezer Drawers or attempts to squeeze your absolutely-terrified but adorable chihuahua into your $10,000 Hammacher Juicer

We admit none of these inventions are life savers, but they certainly could reduce the stress level at homes around the world.


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