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Inventions We Wish We Already Have in Our Bathrooms

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July 28, 2017

This post is one of a series of “Inventions We Wish We Already Have.” It’s intended to be a bona fide wish list but expressed in a lighthearted fashion. Inspiration for the wish list courtesy of ordinary day-to-day experiences, unfulfilled expectations, varying flavors of frustrations, and what-should-have-been-there-but-not-there revelations.

In this installment of the series, we provide you with a few whimsical ideas for inventions we wish we already have in our bathrooms.

1. Voice-activated smart shower system comprising a voice-activated temperature/pressure/spray-spread/aroma/time/accompanying-disco-music/water-spray-rhythm controller, with selectable amounts and combinations of skin and hair conditioners selected from the group consisting of 110% jojoba oil, double-extra-virgin-olive-oil, oil extract from fresh produce generated by a king cobra’s all-natural bio-matter excretion system, and oil-extract distilled from the purest goat-sweat from Nepal, further comprising a water-spray system that can blast you with –20 degree green-tea infused water projectiles for when your 3-month old baby kept you awake the entire night and you have a make-or-break client presentation at 9am and it’s already 8am, and you’re still pretty zonked out, already in the shower, but still in your pajamas and vainly trying to shave using your toddler’s rubber ducky toy.

2. Uber-luxe bespoke bathroom toilet seat with a temperature-gradient-controlled imitation top layer that is as creamily silky and as delicately supple as a genuine, $20,000/square meter, 1,275 thread-count, 8-micron hair strand-diameter fur with strands individually hand-stitched by the finest French and Italian haute couture atelier, wherein the fur is derived from one or more of highest-grade Vicuna wool, cashmere, merino wool, and fur from mink, otter, Emperor penguin, inner-ear canal hair plucked from million-dollar Arabian horses, chinchilla pinky-toe hair, and free-roaming chicken hair, wherein the chicken hair is very gently extracted from areas closest to the red-thingy in the chicken’s head portion.

3. Smart digital bathroom mirror that also functions as a personal beautifying system comprising: adjustable broad-to-narrow spectrum laser irradiation system to artificially enhance mirror reflections to create a fake radiant skin-glow effect, maybe tighten the skin dermis, epidermis, sub-dermis, and other dermises, wherein the broad-to-narrow spectrum radiation comprises ultrahigh-frequency UV radiation to hopefully zap stubborn pimples, infrared-radiation to perhaps vaporize dark spots, microwave radiation to possibly even out skin tone and maybe reduce skin pore size to smaller than those found on a baby’s behind, radio-waves to conceivably elasticize and thus maybe lengthen eyelashes (and also for listening to music), and optionally, x-rays, and even more optionally, high-energy gamma-rays to definitely permanently reduce your visual acuity so you no longer have to notice your perceived facial flaws.

4. Smart confidence-booster system, which is preferably used in conjunction with the smart digital bathroom mirror described above. The confidence-booster system comprises a smart digital coach that provides customized, selectable, and programmable confidence-promoting motivational quotes that are automatically generated and changed every time the digital mirror is turned on. An important feature of the smart digital coach is its ability to customize the motivational quotes that work best for your personality and your current needs. It does that by analyzing your facial expressions as it conveys the motivational quotes to you, preferably while you’re using the confidence-booster in combination with a smart digital mirror.

The smart digital coach is extremely advanced because its personality and mood analytics system incorporates—at its deepest core-code structural domains (or something impressive-sounding like that)—artificial intelligence, deep learning, neural networks, cellular automata, expert systems, quantum physics, quantum chromodynamics, twistor theory, particles and fields physics, all those parallel multiverses and blackhole stuff, as well as other quantum things and such. It will also automatically detect changes in time and weather, using extremely accurate time and weather prediction methods based on cosmology and particle physics, and thus automatically generate motivational quotes more suitable for a user under a given time and condition. This invention is best used in combination with the smart digital bathroom mirror described above.

5. High-tech genetically-engineered mouthwash that contains genetically-modified stuff that produces temporary neon-colored stain on a tooth that has accumulated bacterial colony population that’s extremely high enough to necessitate brushing or flossing. This invention is advantageous, especially for extremely busy high-powered executives, because one no longer has to brush an entire row of teeth (in most cases, usually both upper and lower rows) and would thus be able to save lots and lots of time and energy (to appreciate the substantial cumulative time savings, one just need to multiply the required 2 minutes of brushing by 365 days and then multiply again by 2-3 times per day). Specifically, one would just need to brush one tooth or a few teeth, and only if the genetically-engineered things produce staining on the affected tooth or teeth after gurgling the high-tech mouthwash (meaning you can skip brushing for a day or two), wherein the neon-stain generated from a genetically-induced “recipient-ligand” binding (or something like that, maybe) also serves as a 2-minute timer because the stain is genetically-programmed to detach from the tooth enamel surface after two minutes or so of brushing. Additionally, significantly less toothpaste would be required (for example, only about 1/32 or 1/37 of the recommended pea-sized toothpaste amount, depending on a person’s number of remaining teeth). This invention thus affords much convenience to very important, busy people.

We admit, none of these inventions are life savers, but they certainly could reduce the stress level at homes around the world.



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